The ex-factor

“Fall in love with someone who doesn’t make you think love is hard.”


The ex-factor, we all have it! 

There is always one ex that we can never fully get over and we don’t even know why. They seem to have such a mental hold on us, which is honestly mental torture in the worst form as you cannot escape your feelings and thoughts.

From my personal experience, I have huge detachment issues when it comes to any sort of friendship or relationship. If somebody starts to drift away from me, instead of doing the right thing and just letting them be or giving them space, I find it makes me react even more in the most clingy way! I literally can’t help myself.

So after being with my only true love and getting dumped, this was the most devastating experience for me. He was all I could think of, first thing when I woke up in the morning and the last thing whilst I was trying to get some sleep. 

It is quite sad how much one human being can have such an affect on your state of mind, mental health and your anxiety levels. Social media played a big part in terms of detachment issues too. Lucky enough, he was not on many social media platforms but I found I was constantly checking Whatsapp to see if he was online, wondering what he was up to and god forbid if he changed his display picture I even got a mini-panic attack. Believe me, I am so ashamed of this behavior but I really do let situations get the better of me.

I allowed this one individual to have such a powerful impact on my mental health, my emotions, my wellbeing and even my social life. 

So, how did I move on from the situation? 

Truth is, you never really get over somebody that you love and have an incredible amount of feelings for and an emotional attachment. I did, however, find my very own coping mechanisms which really did help my mind frame and allowed me to eventually move on from the situation and see it for what it really is.

  • Keep busy is my number one rule. I found surrounding myself with positive friends, activities and even going for a walk when I felt down was a huge help. 
  • It’s more than okay to cry! Don’t be ashamed or feel weak for crying. It is a natural emotional reaction and trust me, you feel so much better once you have had a little cry!
  • Do not agree to be ‘friends’ with your ex. You already have friends. You wanted them as a partner, not a friend. Besides it gets extremely messy, your feelings WILL get hurt and a friend does not make you feel sad or upset.
  • Always dress your best. Keeping yourself looking great and ‘at your best’ will help you also feel your best too. It’s okay to sit around and lounge around if you are feeling down but don’t do it too often. Get some fresh air, get dressed and keeping shining!
  • No contact rule. You may have read this a million times but it really does work. Delete their number from your phone and mute them on any social media (you don’t have to unfriend but be prepared to get your feelings hurt if you see something you don’t like!) Start off with 30 days, I had a little notebook and crossed off each day as it came and it get’s easier. Think about it, if your ex who dumped you wanted to contact you they would. Once the 30 days are over, you honestly feel very liberated, your expectations are lower and you feel empowered. Take the power back and don’t let anybody control you! If you have had no contact for 30 days, add another 30 days and then by the time you know it it would have been 2 months and hopefully your mind and heart will begin to move on – note how I didn’t say heal as it really isn’t that easy.
  • Write down the positive and negatives of the relationship. If the negatives outweigh the positives, you have definitely had a lucky escape! It really brings to life the reasons you broke up and be honest with yourself when writing this down. Be realistic and not in denial, this will help you in all situations in life.
  • Talk to people about how you are feeling, but don’t make it the topic of every conversation you have. During the first 30 days, he was literally all I would speak about to my friends. Think about it, they are there to help but they don’t want to just speak about one topic with you.There is more to you as a person than a break up – don’t let it rule your life!
  • Live your life for you. Don’t sit around posting sarcastic/subliminal social media status’s and certainly do not try and put suggestive pictures or try to put up things to make your ex jealous. They will see right through what you are doing and you will look childish and desperate. The element of mystery is surprisingly attractive!

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What did I learn from the situation? 

  • I have a lot of truly supportive friends who were there for me, even though I had excluded myself from them during the relationship.
  • I realized that I had let somebody take such a hold of me emotionally that I lost myself. Taking care of yourself is the number one rule, always.
  • Why am I so upset over somebody who has made me feel this way? Even if it wasn’t on purpose. Somebody who truly loves you will not make you feel this way, even if they break up with you, it doesn’t need to be messy!
  • It is okay to be single or alone. You get to enjoy your own company, learn about yourself, learn self-control and it is so empowering when you realize that somebody does not have a hold on you.
  • Some relationships are not forever and things do not always stay the same in life. Learn to take every situation as it comes and see the positive. Hey, you are not together but you still have your own life, your own plans and goals to achieve and you are responsible for your own happiness, nobody else. 
  • Lastly, I learned that they too stalk you on Whatsapp when they accidental missed call you. How the tables have turned!

“You were happy before, you will be happy after.”

This is probably the most heartfelt and emotional post that I have blogged so far and I truly hope that this post indeed helps somebody who is going through a similar situation or needs some guidance.  

Hoping you find the happiness you deserve!

 

Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk!

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‘Don’t cry over spilt milk.’

I have heard this saying several times throughout my life, often in reference to something negative however, I thought about this saying and feel extremely positive!

I am sure there are plenty of us that can relate a certain situation to the phrase ‘don’t cry over spilt milk’ – we are probably thinking of that situation right now!

However, this phrase should be used as an opportunity to think positive and move on from any situation that we have regrets over.

Whether it be a missed opportunity, letting someone or something go, regrets within a relationship, not going for that McDonalds when you were hungry (i joke!)- the situations are endless.

The fact of the matter is, we cannot change the past or anything that has been done. All we can do is accept what it is (not what it could have been) and decide to use the situation as a learning curve for personal development and progression.

All too often, people spend an exceptional amount of time dwelling on what could have been and not thinking about what WILL be and the opportunities for the future.

For example, if you have had a recent break-up and you regret ending the relationship/wish things would have turned out different, please do not sit there sad and miserable. Live your life for yourself, not for others, and whatever will be will certainly be.

Also, if you didn’t get a job that you had tried really hard for – there is an opportunity to build on what went wrong and use this as a development and something to build on in order to help you achieve that big job!

With setbacks and missed opportunities we learn, grow and develop and should always use these opportunities to make us a better person, and build better situations for ourselves.

Everyone knows that unexpected or unplanned things happen in life, sometimes on a daily basis, but with a positive attitude life is easier and brighter.

We must learn that not everything or anyone is owed to us and missed opportunities/ setbacks are often blessings in disguise!

Here’s hoping this post has helped you feel slightly positive about anything that may be disturbing your good vibes!